Very personal and may trigger.

good morning, I think I God has shown me what is holding me back in my faith. When I was really ill before my medication I stumbled across the unforgiveable sin and I read what the Pharisees said and then I had horrible thoughts against jesus going round and round in my mind, I kept saying sorry to God I didn't know why I couldn't get what the Pharisees said out of my head. I felt so ashamed and abandoned by God and like he didn't want me anymore .i was waking up with nightmares, I couldn't eat I couldn't function I was so afraid of offending god, Now I'm on my medication the thoughts stop and I'm rarely bothered by them. But I feel that God cannot forgive me (even though I hates those thoughts) this came to me this morning, I no longer feel loved by God, I feel he is ashamed of me for all those horrible thoughts that went round n round in my mind. I know thAt god promises to forgive all who repent and I know that I wouldn't be searching for jesus unless god was drawing me and I know that jesus will never reject 1 who goes to him. But I still feel unloved , this is the root of the problem. I am serving a god I feel no longer loves me. And i dont know what to do Xx